Oh my gosh I am done with school. I cannot believe it. I just graduated from the university of oregon today and It is unreal. I dont think it has fully hit me yet, but all day and even yesterday some I've felt tears welling up in my eyes as it slowly hits me. I cant believe I am done with school forever. It has been so long, such a huge part of my life I dont even know what it means to not be in school, to live a real world life. What do people do? it all seems so boring and monotonous. Schooling has been so fun and exciting. I am really going to miss it. I know there are exciting things in my future though, whatever they might be. There are definitely going to be some lame times too I'm sure (getting up before 8am every morning for instance) but I know that I will be able to find my career path into something that I love. I really need to push myself and get past this fear I have of putting myself out there and stepping into the unknown, because that's all the future really is right? No one knows the future, you just gotta take it as it comes.

Finding a job in the field I want and being assertive and courageous enough to send in a strong resume and cover letter, really being strong in my desire for the job is something that I need to work on. I have been feeling so passive about applying to ad agencies, too timid to assert myself and say "hey, I want this job, I can do it, and I can do it better than that guy" in order to get it. It is such a competitive environment, that is what you have to do to get the job, but I have been so scared to do that because doing that means I might actually get the job and might actually be held responsible for something so huge in my life like that. No longer is it okay to do a half assed job on an assignment or rely on the night before its due to be cramming for it, knowing that my other assignments will make up for it in the end. You have to give yourself 110% all the time in the real world because mistakes can cost you and the company a lot. David Koranda always told us to make mistakes now (in college) and learn from them because you cant make them in the real world. It's scary, but true. You are held so much more accountable for your work in the working world. You are expected to go above and beyond on all your work, without being asked to. That is not something I am used to. In school you learn how to manipulate the system to get the most benefit for the least amount of effort. I got good at that, working the system is how I passed through school with such good grades. I really didn't study all that much, I rarely read the text books assigned, I did the minimal amount of work necessary to get a B in the class. If it was an easy class or I just got lucky I would get an A, that is how I made it through all my schooling. Now, that kind of work ethic doesn't really fly, especially in such a competitive environment like advertising. You have to be on top of your game all the time. I feel like it is going to be so challenging for me to reach and understand this concept, but I know that it will also be very rewarding. Reflecting now is helping to gain this confidence I've been searching for to apply for actual jobs in the advertising world. I know it is where I want to be and I know that I am capable of learning the necessary things to fit into a job criteria, I have just been lacking the motivation and being held back by fear to actually go out and do it. I need to man up and just go do it. Jump off that ski jump into the unknown, and just trust that I will be able to tackle anything I come across, and if it is challenging then I will learn and grow from it. Continual learning process. Just because my formal education is now over doesn't mean I will stop learning. I have so much to learn still and I am so excited to explore and figure out what that is- Whether it is advertising related, office work life related (dealing with co-workers and bosses, etc) or just learning about myself, which is something I always strive for. The future holds a lot of exciting things, I just have to embrace them and be strong in myself and my abilities and not run the other way.

Saying goodbye here is another part of the whole process though. Luckily, or perhaps unluckily depending on how you look at it, I didn't make a whole lot of strong connections and friendships while I was here at the U of O. Sure I know a lot of people, but I have made relatively few close friends, most of whom I went to high school with or will continue to see fairly regularly up in portland. I'm sure others are going to have a much harder time with goodbyes as this time comes around but it is still sad to know this is the last time I might ever see some of these people. Trying to hold onto all of these memories is a challenging feat, but that is also what digital cameras are for :). I have been trying to take as many photos today as I could so that I can always remember the feelings of this day. It has been such a fun day with my family all in town and seeing friends and just feeling the excitement and nervousness and pride of wearing the cap and gown and walking across the stage to get my diploma in front of all of those hundreds of people. It is such an empowering feeling.

It hasn't really seemed like much of an accomplishment to me so far, just something that I have been programmed to do since birth. Graduate from high school, graduate from college, get a job. I mean I know that I worked hard and made it through all my work in 4 years with a major and 2 minors but for some reason it just hasn't seemed like it was all that hard. It is nice to know that I have such a great family to support me through it though and to be proud of me for sticking through it all. I am so happy and grateful that both sets of grandparents flew out here from florida and texas to see me today. I am not very close with either but the fact that they came and wanted to see their granddaughter graduate from college means a lot to me. I think a lot of time I take family for granted, but it really means alot to me to know that I have one, a fun and loving one. I really hope I get to have a big family when I am older (oy, probably not too much older.. I'm almost 22! haha) so that I can share with my children and grandchildren this same pride and excitement for them that my family has had for me.

Anyway, I thought this was a good time for some self reflection and after all of that I think I was right. This overwhelming sense of excitement for being done and for what is to come in the future, pride in myself, my friends who are also graduating and my family for supporting me, happiness with the celebrations of today and just seeing others all so happy, anxiousness about the future, and sadness about leaving behind my friends, school, childhood, and essentially the life I have known up until now, all needed to get out of my head and onto some paper (or screen I guess) before I exploded. And now, as the family has all left and is returning back to portland and their respective states (and countries), it is time for me to take a little tiger snooze so that I can prepare myself for tonight. Congratulations to the class of 2010, I hope you all find your place in the real world that makes you happy and passionate about life because those are the most important things to have. Family doesn't hurt either :)

Love you all. See you soon I hope.
Rachel

So it is the start of spring term and I have made it through my transition phase, like I had predicted.. perhaps not fully through yet but then again, I don't think there is such a thing as a stable phase.. everything is always in transition. But I digress. So yes, the start of spring term has brought new, fun yet challenging classes, some new friends (probably soon to be more), some sunny weather (including a ferocious sun burn) and a new outlook on life.

Argentina was amazing. I loved being there. Between the perfect lifestyle circadian sleep cycle  (for me at least), the sunny, warm weather, the friendly people, the interesting and colorful neighborhoods, the tango dancers, the beggar kids, European tourists, and the crazy taxi drivers.. I found a comfortable independence for myself. Being able to get around on my own, taking the subte (subway) and taxis without a friend to latch on to for guidance or support, and not to mention all in a foreign language, was the most rewarding experience of my trip I think. I came back with this confidence that I didn't have before. While I was there I wrote a lot in my journal, reflecting on my days and my thoughts, and on the plane ride home by myself I had about 10 hours (well lets say 8 because I watched a poor acting quality rugby version of friday night lights first), to just think about my life- my self, my friends, my family, my place in society, my future, my personality, my appearance.  I guess I didn't realize my insecurities with myself were so high until now looking back. I mean, obviously as I said above, there is always room to grow and change and I am still not in a place of complete confidence, but I am definitely much closer to being okay with myself with who I am than I was before I left.

Before, I would see a pretty girl on campus or on the street and think to myself "man she is really pretty.. why don't I look like her, and how can change myself to do so?" I'm realizing now that that is such an unhealthy way to look at the world. It amazes me how much I have been told this fact in school and in health classes, about how to have confidence as a girl in your own body and I have always just brushed it off, thinking to myself "I have confidence, I like the way I look, this is for people who have self esteem issues and get depressed because of it", but really I should have been paying closer attention. Sure those messages they tell you in school are for the girls who have the self esteem issues, but it's deeper than that. I have been so overly conscious of what other people think of me, how I look and act, what I say, if people think i'm funny or weird or just what they think of me in general. I seem to have a very skewed self image. I don't know what others seem me as, and that makes me very curious, but I've recently been realizing (whether or not I have been acting on this realization is a different story.. perhaps the next step) that I shouldn't care what other people think of me.. no matter what their judgement may be. If they like me then that's great and I would love to be their friends, but if not then I really don't want to be their friends anyways, so it doesn't matter. Right? But then there's this logic in the back of my head screaming at me saying "but you're a people pleaser.. you just like to make people happy and be well liked by doing so"... soo yeah, that is true. This is where I am at now. Stuck in thought, but at least I have discovered the thought, unlike where i was before I went to argentina. Now I just have to figure out how to act on that thought/realization.

I have been actively trying to change my outlook though. When i see a pretty girl now I tell myself "she is just as pretty as you are, and in fact, some people may not even find her style or look that pretty at all, and instead may favor my look" That sounds really cheesy, and maybe a little sad that I have to do that, but it seems to be working well. It boosts my confidence enough to be able to walk away from the situation being myself and not heading to class schemeing up ways to mix and match the clothes that I have to make myself look more like her. So yeah. Things have changed, things are continuing to change.. and I like it that way.

That trip though, and the confidence it gave me to be independent made me just want to travel SO badly. I think I have caught the travel bug. I know many who have emptied their bank accounts and taken out loans to satisfy their craving for culture and new experiences. I hope to one day do the same.. only minus the empty bank account.. :0)  I see all these friends studying abroad right now and it just makes me so jealous. I wish that I had the time to do it. I dont really have time in the school year now to do it because I have to finish up my credits/classes to graduate on time, and even though i may have room to graduate a term early, I wouldnt want to and travel because then I'd be missing my college graduation and all of the fun things that you get to do for SAW (senior appreciation week) for my sororoity. And I guess that sounds like pretty dumb reasons to pass up a trip, but I dont know.. they seem like important things for the moment to my life.. at least the graduation part. Maybe not. We'll see. Maybe I can go the summer after I graduate. That woudl be awesome, though I dont think I would ever want to come back. hah. I want to see australia, and other south american countries, and costa rica, and south africa, and of course europe. I guess those places don't sound very adventurous.. all fairly touristy, but you gotta cut me some slack, I've only done this travel thing once now.. get a few more trips in me and I'll be lining up to see bora bora.. where ever the hell that is. haha.

In the mean time, I am really digging my advertising classes. They are small, since I have finally gotten into my major, and they are interesting because we discuss things that I am actually going to be able and be required to use in my future career. Pretty cool huh? hah. My professors are all sweet (all of this is excluding my psych class by the way) and the assignments are fun.

And, since being back, I have been spending alot more time with the girls in my house. I actually went out to a party with them last weekend and got some fun bonding time in. I wish I had done this sooner. I have always been so focused on my outside friends, on making sure I fit time in to see them that I never spent any real time with the girls I live with. they're pretty fun too. So I figured out some roommates for next year and we just filled out applications today, so hopefully we'll be figuring out where we're going to be living soon. I'll be living with Shelane, Christi and shelane's friend Brandy. They're some big time party girls (who also get their shit done), so it should be fun.

And lastly, of course, my boy report. Can't have an entry without one. Well, of course, I found some boys in argentina to have some fun with, but most of them ended up being jerks and not responding to my texts or calls when I was trying to get ahold of them. My whole experience with boys down there also taught me some lessons, which may be a bit to explicit to be sharing on here, but pretty much the sum of it is that boys are only looking for sex, and nothing more, especially if you meet them at a bar/night club.  No romance can come from meeting a guy at a bar. It just doesn't work like that. So, for future reference for myself, and for those of you reading, if you are looking for a boyfriend or even just a friend who is a guy really, don't meet him at a bar. He will be a douchebag. Guarnteed. Now, on the other hand if you are looking for a random hook up where he won't ever call you again or to grind on some guys and frustrate the hell out of them (to your pleasure) when you leave without even a bat of the eye in their direction, then please go right ahead. But be warned that for anything beyond a flirtatious dance or a one night stand that you regret in the morning, find your man somewhere more wholesome. Hah. I wrote something about this in my written journal while I was in Buenos Aires, commenting about how I am glad that I learned this lesson before I could even go to the bars in the states because now I have the upper hand, but then sadly chuckled at my realization that it is still going to happen to me. I am still going to give in some night at the bar to some guy who i think is really cute and is flirting with me, thinking/hoping/wishing that it will become something more than a hookup, only to be disappointed the next day when he fails to meet his promises. (sigh)

And for the tyler thing... well, I saw him, and it sucked. He's got some girlfriend who moved to london a few weeks ago who he is clearly all bent up about because he is flying out to visit her next month, has her bobby pins all over his room and checked his skype first thing when he woke up in the morning. It's cute I guess that the guy I thought would NEVER have a girlfiend is actually seemingly in love with someone, but at the same time incredibly sadening and annoying to me because I am actually there, in his presence and yet he doesn't even care about me. So, I dont think I will be seeing him again ever. Not his apartment at least. He works at safeway so it's hard to avoid him sometimes. But yeah. I am done with the random sex thing for awhile. It takes too much of a toll on my emotions and I end up freaking the guy out in the mean time. I gotta find someone a guy friend, someone I can hang out with and have things just be comfortable without any sexual tension. I feel like that is aaron for me, but he has been gone on his crazy study abroad trip since january, and i'm starting to miss him. Though I did get a postcard from him today which was really nice. (sigh) silly boys.. how you affect me so.

And with that, I am done. Perhaps I will actually take this nap that I have been telling myself I'll take all day. Or maybe I'll just lay here and continue to ponder while aimlessly facebook stalking people. Hah. That sounds like more fun. :0) Love you!


oh yeah. Though this is a morbid add on, I think it is necessary to be recognized, but since my last entry, both my dog and my grandmother passed away. We put macy down that saturday after that entry actually, which I think I am still in denial of, and then the following saturday while I was in argentina my dad got an email saying that my grandma had died. She was in a sleep coma, pretty much from just being so old and weak and passed at the nursing home while she was sleeping. For as back to back as these 2 terribly depressing events have occured, I am strangely unaffected by them. I mean, I am affected, but not as much as I feel like I should be. WIth macy I think it because I am still in denial since I have only actually spent about 3 days in my house without her there since it happened, mostly while in translation to and from argentina, so I didn't really have time to notice she wasn't around. This summer I think it;s going to fully hit me when I am there all the time and she's not around. Okay, so now i'm tearing up. At least I have some heart. (though i do have more, I have just been repressing it since the day it happened came after a horrible night and a stressful week in front of me).. And my grandmother's death.. well we all knew it was coming soon, she wasn't doing well, and I wasn't as close to her as I could have been because she lived in texas so I only saw her once a year or so... sigh.. death is so.. beyond my grasp of thought right now. It is beyond my emotions I feel like. So hard to comprehend.

Perhaps more on this another day, my fingers are about to fall off.. Still love you though. :0)

I have recently become aware of the fact that the people who I most enjoy as friends are people who I truly admire and/or respect for one reason or another..

I'll start with my fellow LJ readers..

Claire- she can always bring a smile to anyone's face, whether by making fun of them or doing something crazy and I love her for that. Plus she's my oldest friend here.

Jackie- she is such an amazing writer and so honest with her emotions and feelings. Plus, she has such an amazing determination for life. I feel like I take things for granted when I read about the things she goes through to be successful in her life and I am awed by it.

Anna- she is totally her own person and independent and I love her.

Amie- She is such a passive, happy person. She just wants to love everyone all the time and will do anything for anyone

Emily- She is such a strong person. Like anna, but I'd say even stronger. She is so confident in everything she is.

Rob- He is just so silly and a great person. He know's how to make any situation fun but still really cares about other people

Corrin- She's like my little sister. She is also very independent and for her age, that is something to admire.

Aaron- He has such an incredible capacity for knowledge.. or at least for knowledge on subjects that I wish I knew more about. He will some day be an important person in the world.

Eric M- He is so introspective and deep and mysterious and that is so cool. I don't really know him that well because of all that but I respect him alot for it.

Katy W.- I also don't know her well but her photography just amazes me.  She is such a talented artist.

Jay- He is such an honest person with his feelings and opinions.  I trust him with my life and anytime I need advice, he is there for me. Too bad I haven't seen him in a year.

Jeremy M- Though he can be a little intense at times, his faith and adherance to his morals is definitely something I respect.

Drea- She is also an amazing person. She has so much confidence in herself without being annoying or arrogant. She can take charge of any sitation and people listen to her. She is also a great listener and will be completely honest with you when you need her to be.

I also admire anyone who is a genuinely nice, helpful, caring person. I can't think of anyone off the top of my head other than allison erwin and I hestitate to list her because I haven't talked to her in years and she could be different now, but as I remember her, she was always someone who I admired for her sincere friendliness and helpfulness despite how stressed out she was with her own life.



I guess the traits we admire most in others are the ones we hope to see in ourselves. Sounds to me like I strive to be independent, confident, honest and friendly.  Hopefully I come off that way..

I'm not sure where this all came from.. I was just looking at people's FB profiles and thinking about who I really enjoy having as my friends and who I don't... Just an interesting delve into my brain.

Ok so Im found this spiral with all these journal type entries in it from freshman year high school and I just thought I'd post some of these things because I found them funny.

1-
I don't think I actually ever liked matt.. I mean he's funny, but I always knew he wasn't my type.  Brad is really cool and funny and hard working.  He's at a golf tournament today.  Lets see the pros and cons of each:
Brad: pros- fun to hang w/
                   - flirts really fun
                    - likes me
                   - hard working
                   - flirted w/me before I flirted w/him
        cons- different school
             - busy with golf and church
             - personality changes

Chris: pros- hardworking
                      -really sweet
                      - talks
                      - can be funny
          cons- really busy
                   - might not like me
                   - temperment problems
I don't really know either of them that well I guess.  But I could pull an Aaron Pro and go out with someone w/o even knowing them.

2-
OMG. So ok. Yesterday, I came home from austin and practically went straight over to Jessicas for her memorial day party.  It was really fun and we had a mega water fight. Everyone was drenched.  We went to james' afterwards and watched behind enemy lines.  Brad and I were sitting by each other and we were sharing a blanket.  I leaned my head on his shoulder and eventually we were holding hands!! =0) It was weird because he would like move away from me for a bit when I was leaning on him, so I would sit up but then he would scoot back and put his shoulder at my level, almost asking me to lean on him.  So I did.  He did the same thing holding hands.  He would let go for awhile but then come back.. very confusing.  Also, I finally got the hug from him that I've been wanting forever. So I was full of joy and happiness. and then I talk to matt. He showed me a different view of it that made more sense than him (Brad) actually liking me.  Brad just wants action.  I want action and a relationship, so it would never work.

Ah the pettiness of high school relationships. Cracks me up. Particularly the line about aaron pro. Man that kid was a legend.

I cant figure out what I am feeling.  I just finished reading the 6th harry potter book and I suddenly just want to be in the company of someone else. anyone else. I am just so antsy right now. All this energy and emotion from reading and from being at home all day not seeing anyone. Then of course when I am looking for company the most, it is the hardest to find.  Dammit thats always how it is.  I dont know where the hell everyone goes. Maybe they all get together at one location simply to avoid my requests of company.  How sad would that be?  Not to mention it is 11:30pm.. I mean sure MAYBE someone is sleeping but really, come on, its winter break and we are 19 and 20 year olds.. we dont  go to sleep before midnight.  But what do people do then if they arent sleeping? partying perhaps, but then why wasnt i invited?  I just dont get it.  Aaron and sam went the blazers game which should beover by now but neither are responding to texts... claire is in mexico, amie/conner/timmy/isaak brigade are off at a party of someone who i dont know and am thus not invited, greg is at a party but he wouldnt want to hang out with me anyways after our.. interesting yet.. slightly sexual conversation last night (even though he HAS a girlfriend..)  anna and jeremy liebman are in eugene, emily is too tired from work, corrin is here in portland now but is way too busy im sure with her friends, jessica is also home which is a rare thing though I'm not sure how hanging out with her would go. I feel like it would be incredibly awkward and forced seeing as we havent really spoken to each other in almost a year  and a half.. and plus she's one of those rare cases where I think she might be asleep at this hour... I just don't know what to do with myself.  I cant think of anyone else to call/text for comfort.  Perhaps michael but he's been unusually quiet and weird around me since he's been home (im thinking because he has a girlfriend now) (fucking girlfriends..everyone's got one all of a sudden)  and plus he's leaving at 5:30am tomorrow morning for montana. Boooo

I really cant wait to have people I can talk to in person again. People I can confide in.  I always have anna for that, but if I move into the KD house this next term, there will be alot more people who can fit that category.. *sigh*  Up here it really just seems like the only person I can talk to is aaron or amie and aaron is wayy preoccupied in his own head most of the time to pay attention (especially right now) , and amie is ALWAYS with conner, timmy or isaak.  it's like the 4 of them are glued together. I just dont really have someone to talk to up here.  I feel like I'm always there to listen if someone needs to rant or confide in me some of their thoughts, but no one ever seems to have the attention span or care to listen to mine. It just doesnt seem fair.   Why does it always feel like everyone else is in the fast lane of the social world, having the time of their lives every second of the day, while i'm always left behind in the wake of everyone else trying to catch up but just getting constantly knocked back down by sickness or some inability to be personable enough that someone would, of all people, think of me to call up to hang out with because, I, and no one else, was the one that that person wanted to hang out with or wanted to join them at a party.  I just sit and think of all the people I call to invite out to a movie or dinner or something (usually turned down because they have other plans) and think that they probably get more than one invite out every night because they are such a likeable person.. why am I not like that? I feel like I am as nice as I can be without being absurdly fake or lying to myself  and yet my phone never rings... and when it does, it's usually my dad because he accidentally called me on his speed dial.  How pathetic.  God I'm tired of lamenting my feelings onto this thing.  No one ever reads it anyways. 

wow. tonight has been such a blur. after being home from school for pretty much 2 weeks and having very little socialization in that time.. tonight was just a whirlwind adventure. damn.  I cant even comprehend it all. It started at about 6ish when I was starting to feel hungry and I was getting tired of watching movies by myself (yes, I watched 3 today) so I convinced aaron to come out and get sushi with me.  He had been home for less than 2 hours when he agreed after a long couple of days.. so he was already in a blur.. anyways. we went and got sushi and strolled around powells for a good hour with nothing better to do and then on our way home.. in the spur of the moment we decided to stop by  claires and surprise her... wow. wasnt expecting all that we got from that decision.  What a crazy group of kids.  From kind of being awkward with this guy we kind of interupted claire with to not being sure of Isaak's sexuality to amie punching everyone and then her spooning with aaron and almost giving him a 2nd hickey on the other side.. it was totally not what we had expected from the evening.  So anyways after we had our fill of getting slapped and then caressed by drunken amie (we love you amie, dont worry) we decided to head out and see what else was going on around town.. stopping over a sonias where her, beckie stewart, hanna laney, peter weber, eric ohman, eric mills, xander and laura neal were standing around being completely just.... sober.. and... the opposite of everything we had just come from.. they were all just standing around the kitchen having a serious conversation about something and eating pizza and baking a cake.. no drunkenness, no screaming, no people piles.. just.. being plain.   It was hard for aaron and I to adjust... haha.. anyways. So it;'s kind of awkward there, for me at least, because that group of girls is just so tight knit and clique-y and hard to break into.. and the boys just dont even care to have anythign to do with me.. so I ended up sitting in the background for awhile.. kinda wishing i hadn;'t left claires.. then things kind of loosen up a bit and people spread around and have different conversations so it got a little better.. but THEN.  Sonia gets a phone call and has eric ohman go pick up DRUNKEN alex park, scott layne, mark swalich (however you spell it), and nick leeding... ... .. yeah. WEIRD! They show up. They are drunk. They are hilarious.  I hadnt seen nick since high school graduation.  It was so weird.  I think if he hadnt have been seriously drunk, it would have been very awkward. So I'm glad for his alcohol comsumption.. haha anywaysss (i've said that alot)... to sum it up, scott announced that he has sex with helen alot, nick stripped alex, and mark just fell on the floor alot... and I mean ALOT. haha.. Soo it was a pretty entertaining night there after all.. though there were definitly some tensions going on because everyone but those 4 boys, and us girls were having any fun.. the rest of the boys who were there just sat on the couch together and talked quietly watching knocked up... I'm pretty sure the presence of the drunkards was fairly unwelcome.. but I found them amusing.. as did sonia and it's her house so whatev.  Hah.. it was just a weird and sudden grouping of people tonight that was absolutely unexpected. So the night ended with me feeling feverish and taking aaron home.. mostly in silence since he was near to passing out and i was just in a daze of everything from tonight (hence why i'm writing this so I will be able to sleep tonight).. and I drove home just enjoying the peacefulness of the huge raindrops hitting my windshield and watching them bounce of the street in my headlights.. it was just so calming for some reason. I came home and stood in the rain for a few seconds just enjoying the coolness on my face and the sound it made falling on everything.. Weird.. after all that chaos tonight something as simple as the sound of rain on the skylight above me right now is calming me down.. I guess thats not really weird.. just.. quaint.  heh. okay, thats all Just needed to unload my brain for a bit.. Goodnight too all. 

zero??! what?? how can that be?? there is not one potential on my list right now. wow. thats sad considering i've had at minimum 2 at all times for like the past year at least. now even they are both gone. wow. no tyler, no john, no greg, no karl, no kevin.. no one =0( this is so lonely.  maybe it's for the better though. maybe i'll grow from this to realize that i dont need guys to be happy.. wouldnt that be ideal.  yes. it would. unfortunately that is prob not what is going to happen, and sometime this weekend or something like that someone will pop back onto the list and i will continue my never ending cycle.  maybe not. i'm actually kind of hoping for it not to start back up again, i'm kind of getting tired of the constant let down.  its always like theres so much energy and hope put into these guys on the list and then one by one they slowly become less and less of a prospective either because i decide i dont like them or they decide they dont like me and then they are off the list.  what a weird psychological phenomenon that is. gah. people are so weird (and by people i mean me). 

speaking of which, i'm thinking of switching from a double major with psych and journalism to just a minor in psych.. that way i can focus more energy on the thing i am more interested while still getting the knowledge i need for what i want to do... humm.. oh and i register for classes tomorrow. whoop.. this term has gone by so quickly and i;m sure many people agree.

i've been having flashbacks to summer all day. mostly triggered by songs, but it;s really making me miss the sunshine and the beach and everything that goes along with summer.. fuck it's only november. i've got a long time to wait for the next one.. maybe i'll move back to arizona where it's summer all year round. yeah. that sounds like a good plan.

okay, i'm off.

ps- i get initiated into my sorority this weekend. yep. i'm doing it. =0o  crazy shit. who would have ever expected that? not me, thats for sure.

God I love being home.  I dont ever want to leave. It is so completely wonderfully cozy and homey here and I love it.  My house is clean and pretty and decorated properly and my bed is made and my floor is.. well.. was clean and my bathroom is shiny and not grimey and I get REAL showers not those shitty 7 minute showers I get at my apartment.. I really took a half hour shower this morning and it was GLORIOUS. And my doggy is here (but she will soon be with me in eugene too :0) ) and my mommy is here and she cooks for me and she keeps me company and listens to me when I talk and cares about the things I have to say and I got see melissa and go shopping and feel like a part of real civilization again not just stuck in Collegeworld that is eugene, where everyone in the whole freaking city is between the ages of 17 and 30.  That was a ridiculously long run on and I dont even care.  *sigh* i love being home. I dont want to go back tomorrow :0(  I have midterms this week but barn dance is friday and I have my doctors appointment on tuesday so maybe he will finally be able to tell me something I can do for this stupid sickness other than just sleeping all the time because I cant dooo that! Don't they know I'm in collegee?? its not just nap time all the time!  Plus there isnt a game this weekend (thank god) so we will all finally get a real weekend.. from game to halloween to game i'm sure everyone is pretty worn out from partying, etc.  We'll see how the barn dance goes.. I'm not so sure about it.. I probably wont drink again but I wonder if kevin will drink if I'm not.. hmm... we'll see.  anyways, thats all I wanted to say.. I love home =0)

So this was written on june 30th while I was sitting in our hotel room in Innsbruck Austria.  We were just laying around relaxing and I had a sudden burst of thoughts that I felt needed to get on to paper.  So sorry for the delay (seeing as it is now practically august) but here you go:

"I dont even know where to start, my thoughts are interweaving all in and out all over the place.  There are so many people in this world, every single one is different from the next, no 2 are the same, not at all.  It is just ridiculously mind blowing to imagine/comprehend that.  And yet the most paradoxical part is that even though every person is different, we are all exactly the same.  There is zero% difference between me and a child/anyone/someone living in budapest, africa, austrailia, france, taiwan, chicago.  We are all human w/ the same features, emotions, thoughts, desires, life events.  There is nothing different between paris hilton and I other than other people (who are just the same as both of us) for some  imaginary reason believe  her to have some higher "celebrity" status.  She and every other celebrity, musician, king/queen, bum,  factory worker, are all exactly the same w/ no one having any more importance or higher status than another.  Everyone just follows different life paths which they ultimately choose on their own.  It makes me so curious and introspective about thinking about what life path I want to take, or am already taking.  I'm going to college, spending that 1000's of dollars to hopefully get it back in the form of income of a well paying job, where I will spend my life doing a monotonous job which will inevitably be boring and then I will die.  I don't want that kind of life path.  Who would? But everyone does it.  What is the point of a life path anyway? We all die in the end one way or another.  This must be how Eli sees life.  "Eat drunk and be merry for tomorrow we die"- Aaron's favorite line.  Maybe thats just how I should be.  Just fuck around, drink, be crazy and have a good time because whats the point of caring about the rest of life?  Life in general continues to live on even after everyone alive now is dead.  No one will care what I do with my life later on in the history of the world, so why should it matter in the long run?  It doesnt.  Of course, this is all thinking in the big scale of things. If I come back into my normal, everyday state of mind I can reason why I dont act all crazy and why I have the life path that I do.  It is ultimately to reproduce and have my offspring survive long enough to reproduce, etc.. to continue life of my species.  It is such a natural and instinctual action/behavior that is just complicated by society and its rules.  I am born and I have to learn to walk/talk/use a toilet so that I can go to school on my own and I go to school so that I can get into college and I get into college so that I can have a well paying job, enough to support a family living on my own and have enough money to pay for my kids to go through this same process for their kids.  It is the same procreation process only with more steps to complicate it.  Because I'm a woman, I have to follow this life path because I am the producer.  The men can go out and party all they want to because their job is just to fertilize as many women as possible and then die.  In the mean time, while they are waiting to do that, they can just hang out and fuck around w/o a care in the world.  It is easier for Eli to think like this because he doesn't even want kids, so he's just living life however the hell he pleases, letting the wind take him where ever it blows.  I wish so badly that I could live like that.  I cant. I have to be successful so that I can raise a family and send my kids down the same societal path.  I really like who I am as a person though.  I am very happy w/ my personality/outlook on life.  I need to remember this when I get jealous of people, though if I am jealous of someone then that means that there is still more room for change in my personality- though I know there is always constant change- an evolving self-mind, body, image, personality.


*sigh* off of all that deep thinking, I desperately miss physical attention.  I miss having a conversation with someone my age in person.  I haven't had one in exactly a week.  That kills me so much.  I don't talk to my mom at all and alan and steffi are in their own world and I cant understand anyone else here.  I miss people I can talk to.  Wow I didn't realize that is what this feeling was but that is exactly it. I miss talking.  I want to be with people my age who I can communicate with and share thoughts with.  I wish my mom wasnt here.  This trip would be so much more people and so much less sightseeing.  I can't talk to strangers, flirt w/ boys, look at anyone with my mom  here.  All we do is walk around and look at things. no interactions. People I miss- Corrin, Phil, Jessica, Aaron, Claire, Tyler, John, Emily, Sam, Eli, Ryan, all the people I can just sit with and have a great conversation.  My pen is really dying so I will write my song list b/c I want to get it out."

Then I wrote out all the songs I listened to while writing this entry and who each son reminded me of

" In reverse order:
Don't Panic- Coldplay- Jeremy
Bubble toes- Jack - Aaron
Pachuca Sunrise- Minus the Bear- Phil
Gone Going- Black Eyed Peas/Jack
Last Summer- Lost Prophets- Jeff
Hey ya- Outkast
1,2 step- Ciara
Brush your bittersweet shoulders off- The verve/JayZ- Alaska
Brand New Colony- PS- Aaron
Inaudible Melodies- Jack
Til I hear from you- Gin Blossoms- Corrin
Let go- Frou Frou (started writing) - imaginary future boyfriend
Different People- No Doubt (started thinking)
For the Ejection of rest- Kaddisfly (laid down to relax)- Phil"

Hm. I was talking with Jordan just now about blogs and how people rarely read them anymore because its always negative things and its generally not a good portrayal of who the person really is.  Looking back on my last 4 or 5 entries, I'd definatey say thats true.  Like i said in my last entry, I swwear im not angry all the time.  Like now for instance. I am home for summer (thank god), I am leaving for germany in 2 days to see my brother, I have had a wonderful day as well as a pretty good week seeing friends that i havent seen in awhile plus friends i see all the time.  The only negative aspect in my life right now is that i have mono for a second time now and it is weighing me down.  Not as much as it could be though which is lucky.  Though I am  not getting as much sleep as I should be getting especially for travelling to europe for ten days very soon.  Oh well, I;m having a good time with life and thats all that matters right? live in the moment as they say.  So yes, I thought I would put up a post clearing up any misconceptions about me always being pissy or something like that. I dont know, every person is the same. I've been coming up with this thought recently.. we are all the same creature with the same emotions, thoughts, desires, etc, but for some reason everyone feels like they have to be a blank slate, like they cant show any of their inner feelings because we are so used to just holding them inside and pretneding like nothing is ever wrong.  Its like leave it to beaver you know? Like everything is supposed to be perfect in a perfect world with the only problem being that beaver forgot to mow the lawn or something mundane like that. Everything isnt perfect, everyone has problems and complications in their lives but everyone is afraid to show them because we are all supposed to be these cookie cutter people with no emotion other than happy and cheerful and anything deviant from that is wrong or bad.  Its so messed up how propaganda works like that. It just brainwashes people to become a completely different species than they are instinctually. Hm. I think thats probably the deepest philosophical natured stuff I have ever written about in this journal.  Hah. compared to aaron's post which are just layered with thick metaphorical language sounding all sophisticated and complicated all the time.  I wish that he would just be real when he wrote on here.  Not just him either, there are others too that bulk up their entries to sound great and spectacular because they know other people are going to read them. I think this journal thing is supposed to be for the writer, I mean thats what a journal is.. its to organize life with words and sure that can be shared with people but it doesnt need to be fancied all up to sound pompous and higher up.  I dont think that is how his brain really thinks, with all those seibert-esque words and philosophical moments, but what do i know? i'm not in his head.  I wish I was sometimes, I always wish to be in other people's heads just to see how they think, because I know that it is different from the way I think.  Its just strange.  I sit in public places sometimes and just look at people and try to guess what could possibly be going through their minds at that moment and it blows my mind to think that everyone is constantly in their own heads talking to themselves, muddling over the events of the day or what have you.  So many thoughts occuring at every millisecond of the day, it just blows my mind. I cant even comprehend it. Gah, people are so interesting, I love it.   I need to do something with studying people and people's minds for my career later on in life.  That would just be such a facinating job. I would love it. But i dont want to do all the paperwork and reading that goes along with a psychology job.. hmm sociology maybe? I dont know. I am at a loss of focus in my life school wise right now, but seeing as it is summer now, that is quite alright. God I love summer.

And on that note, I am off to bed to get rid of this mono.

Goonighit all. :0)